Well, I've decided to join the world of blogging. I figure it'll (hopefully) be a good venue for me to get some of my thoughts out. Seems I can deal better if they're out, and not constantly rambling around in my head. Now THAT's a scary place!
I was recently contacted by a guy who said he was my half brother. This has sent my world in a bit of a tailspin. I've gone through so many emotions, thought of so many what if's, accepted it, only to have it turned upside down again.
Now for a little bit of the back story... My mom had me when she was young. Her & my biological dad (we'll call him R) didn't stay together for long after I was born. He did, however, remain a part of my life for about the first 5 or so years of it. We lived in the same town when I was very young, and I would see him occasionally. Of course, I don't remember a whole lot, because I was so young. When I was 4, my mom married my dad (non bio dad). We moved away, and that is the man raised me as his own daughter. He is the father I've grown up with. The father that encouraged me and disciplined me. He stayed up with me to make sure my book reports were done. He walked me down the aisle when I got married. He is the only father I've ever really known. R stopped contacting me just a couple years after my mom & dad got married. Yes, he knew where I was; we lived in the same house, with the same phone number for 18 years. The same house, and the same phone number that he last contacted me.
Fast forward 27 years... I get a text message from my mom saying that my grandparents got a call from a guy claiming he was my half brother (we'll call him C). Now, I always knew in the back of my mind that there was a chance that I could have half siblings out there. I just never really thought I'd really have to deal with it. It was apparent that R made his choice, and for whatever reasons, chose not to be in my life, so why would I be made to face a potential half sibling? Well, that logic went out the window with that call from C. I talked to C. It was a fairly short conversation. I think it lasted about 10 minutes. It turns out he's not my biological half brother, as R married his mom, and adopted him. But, whatever. I talked to him. I figured I can't hold him responsible for the choices his dad made 27 years ago. He seems like a nice enough guy. He's 2 years younger than me. He's married, has 3 kids, and lives in eastern WA.
That conversation, and the entire situation turned my world upside down. That was one of the hardest weeks for me. Yeah, I know, I sound dramatic. But the truth is... if C could find me, than surely R could too. Which raised more questions, like why hasn't R tried to contact me? Is it just a matter of time before he does? Am I ready for that? I have a lot of built up resentment towards him. I won't get into the multitude of reasons I have for said resentment. Now, I'm not a parent, but I have a hard time understanding how can you walk away, and not want to be a part of your daughter's life? Did he ever think about me? Did he wonder about my life? It basically brought up a million questions, and insecurities that I've had buried for so long. I wasn't ready to deal with them, and I really didn't know how to deal with them. In the end I chose to just let what happens happen. I can't plan for the unknown, and right now, C is the only one contacting me.
Until yesterday. Yesterday was my birthday (happy birthday to me). C sent me a text, wishing me a happy birthday. I replied with a polite thank you. He replied back saying that R was the one that told him it was my birthday. And he (C) was curious if I'd be willing to talk to R sometime. Guess I'm going to have to deal with this after all.
Part of me wants to say that he missed his chance. He chose to let 27 years go by without a word. He chose not to be in my life. Why would I want to talk to the man that abandoned me all those years ago? But then, who am I to judge? People make mistakes. I know I've made several. They make bad decisions. It's not up to me to judge them. Maybe I owe it to him, to myself, to talk to him. Find out what his reasons are. Find out the answers to my many questions.
So that's where I am now. Do I say screw him, he had his chance? Do I talk to him, and really have to deal with all the emotional craziness? I don't know. I know what the right thing to do is. But am I ready to do that? I don't know that answer.
